So, this is my first blog in almost 2 years. I have been contemplating getting back into it a little, not really to make a big impact but, to have a place for expression and relief. Comment or don't, read it or don't, just know I am going to be completely transparent and open in the things I post. My hope is to one relieve pressures and thoughts off of my back but maybe to help someone else in the process.

God Bless and away we go...

Today was a crazy day for a multitude of reasons, some personal but others I will express.

I have, for a while, been a terrible father (confession, not just saying that but, cause I know it). I have anger issues or maybe more accurately control issues. Any time one of my children does something I have told them not to do or I think they should know better there is a false sense of me not having control of the situation. Instead of dealing with it I turn to the easy outlet of yelling and trying to control with bullying. Listen, I am not proud of it or am I trying to make excuses for my actions. I am just trying to be transparent.

But here is the thing. I, on a daily basis, shove my foot in my mouth or any other saying you can think of that describes me seeing how much of a prick I am. There is not a day that goes by that each one of my children does something that I just sit back and say, "Why in the world did God give me something this amazing and special?"

Proverbs 19:11 says...

A man's wisdom gives him patience;
it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

I read this and realize that I react in anger because I don't know what to do. I think that by creating fear in my children they will listen to me. But it instantly and visibly causes them to shutdown and instead of them doing what I have asked them to do they cry and do not do what I have asked which then just makes me even more mad. It is so counter productive but because of the lack of wisdom the cycle continues.

I love my children deeply and I want to change. But without wisdom of how to handle the situation there is no way these situations will change. I know that the bible is the treasure of wisdom but, especially lately, life has been happening at an exponential rate and time is just slipping away. My plan is to dive even more into study and prayer and allow God the control of my anger. But, as we all know, his ways and thoughts are higher than ours. So, he has been using situations to point out the reasons that my children deserve more. See the picture below.

That is my crazy son Carson. Here is a short version of what happened at the mall today.

We went in to switch out Hali's iPad cause it had been acting up. The girls left the Apple store and walked down to Justice for some clothes shopping. Me and the boys stayed behind and I let them play at the children's table with iPads. Getting close to an appointment we had I gathered them up and walked to Justice. While we were in there the boys ran over to the toys so I was just hanging out. I looked back up and Carson was nowhere to be seen. Not really freaking out just yet since, well that is just how my boys have fun, I start looking around the store and notice the employees in the front of the store laughing and looking towards the front window. I also noticed people stopping by the window and pointing in with a smile and puzzled face. I walked out front and looked and the below picture is what I saw. I couldn't help but bust out laughing. And had this thought, "These kids push my buttons and get me so angry over the smallest things, then they do something so random and incredibly amazing, how could I ever treat them the way I do."

I also thought, we look at God in a similar way. We get angry when God doesn't "give" us the things we ask for or think we deserve to have but when the "great" things happen we are so quick to give him credit and be so thankful. But, what I have realized is that it is not when the "great" things happen that we learn and/or receive the greatest "gift" but it is those times that we don't and have to adjust to His plan and not ours that we truly see or discover the "greatest" gifts.

This probably came off as a random rant and, well, it was but, here is the point to myself.

I should not be looking only at the times where my kids blow me away or make me laugh but pay attention to those times where my first reaction would be to spark in anger and look deep for the diamond from the coal which is that bad situation.

God Bless you and I hopefully didn't waste your time.